Bills can't ink any deals; mastermind Gailey's decree: We won't be using any quarterbacks in 2010

ORCHARD PARK, NY - Due to the salary cap and a lack of viable prospects, the Buffalo Bills have stunned the sports world by deciding to simply go without a quarterback during the 2010 season.

"There's nothing in the NFL rulebooks against it," said General Manager Buddy Hix, "So what're you gonna do, people? Stop us? Make us start a quarterback?" And Hix is correct, if not eloquent. Buffalo's front office decision is a game plan by fiat that no one can argue.

"Okay, everybody calm down - just calm down," said Bills' head coach Chan Gailey in Monday's press conference. "Look, we're going to focus on the running game. Back to the old days when you simply snapped to the running back and ran up the middle. Or the right. Or the left. We really don't want to give up too much to the opposition. Also, we plan to kick a lot more on second down and send our centers out to the perimeter to shake things up for the defenses."

Quarterbacks Trent Edwards, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Ryan Brohm will all have to find work elsewhere unless, as Gailey offered, they become kickers or defensive linemen. Edwards chose to move to the long snapper position, while Fitzpatrick and Brohm deferred the option to tune up their resumes for the Arena Football League.

Starting wide receivers Lee Evans and James Hardy are uncertain of their future. "I guess we just run around and create a diversion," said Evans. "That's just the genius of Chan Gailey," added Hardy.

Gailey has also decided to remove the numbers and names from players' jerseys to create more confusion on the field. "It's a new strategy." In the AFC East Division, the Bills have a tough row to hoe. Experts agree that they will go 0-16, quite possibly before Thanksgiving weekend.

BREAKING: Justin Bieber interrupts performance of national anthem to announce his retirement

ATLANTA - 16-year-old Canadian teen pop sensation and author of letters Justin Bieber interrupted his own performance of the national anthem at a Braves game to announce his retirement.

Twenty-four thousand of Atlanta's baseball faithful booed him off of the field with their "hatchets". Most of them, in their thirties and forties, had no idea who he was. Plus he sang the nation's paean in B flat, C major, and D minor - all at the same time.

The youngster’s career started a mere 61 days ago as a YouTube phenomenon and has been on the rise ever since. But the pressures of the recording industry and an exhausting tour schedule have prompted Bieber to throw in the towel.

“It’s just too much, yo,” he said after the game. “But don’t worry, I coul' be back, yo, like Garth style, see I'm sayin'?"

Some insiders believe that Bieber's burnout is due to Red Bull abuse, all-nighters with "Grand Theft Auto", and painting the town red with Usher and Braun.

Many of his hit singles have seen chart action, including:

“I Love You, Baby, Baby, Baby”  ( #1 in the US and about #450 in the UK)
“I Love You, Baby, Baby, Baby (reprise)"
“I Love You, Baby, Baby, Baby (12’ single EP)”
“Yo, Girl, I’m a Punk, So, Girl, Let’s Do The Funk”
“Ain’t No Girl Don’t Want A Piece a’ Dis”
“Yo, Baby, Not The Hair”
“Miley, Miley, Text Me A Smiley”

Bieber's "My World Tour" (above) has helped to sell over two dozen albums. The rest were pirated off of the internet.

Even after "added time", FIFA match ends in a 0-0 tie after 2 days, 14 hours

Johannesburg - Cameroon vs. Denmark. Two high-potent offenses. After a nil-nil score, (that's zero-zero for those snarky Americans who don't do crossword puzzles,) extra "added" time lengthened the game. No one really knows what "added time" is, including the World Cup committee, any player who doesn't speak an Indo-European language, and game officials who, when asked about the rule, are inclined to wave off "foreigners to international soccer" like they don't know anything.

On day three, a draw was finally called when one player lost half of his body weight and another reached an age that made him ineligible for play. Both teams will have to win their next bout to get to the elimination round.

LeBron still unsigned, applies at Applebees

Akron, Ohio - Lucky the Cavalier MVP has some experience in the service industry. Star forward LeBron James will be by momentarily to take your order.

Still a homeless player and free agent who no one can afford, James had no other choice than to pound the pavement in his hometown of Akron, Ohio. After a preliminary consultation, four interviews, a credit check, a criminal record check, and four days of menu and drink tests, James made the cut and will start Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday lunches at Applebees. Only those with seniority can work nights and weekends and get the best stations.

“Dude, it’s like deuce city here,” griped LeBron, “I never get the big tables, I just got stiffed by Mike Brown and Drew Carrey, and Rachel, the hostess, is a complete diva bi**h. My mother always told me I should have something to fall back on.”

Says Manager and Service Team Leader Bob Toomey, "Screw the NBA. We're proud to have him on the Applebees team. Welcome to the neighborhood, L.J."

World Cup crowd can’t hear approaching bee swarm over annoying buzz horns, thousands treated for stings

South Africa - Unable to hear above the din of those annoying horns, thousands were taken by surprise and stung. The bees, lured by the high-pitched horns, formed a veritable cloud over the stadium.

But international soccer is ever the sport of stamina and determination, and officials allowed the game between Antarctica and Tibet to continue until one of the teams could muster a goal.

South Africa's Bee Removal and Pest Control specialist Lars Nolsen (pictured left) and his team of three insectologists, hardly equipped to fight such an apiological disaster, improvised and were able to clear the air by sending two thousand gallons of Febreze and Raid through a pressure washer.

Other than mild anaphylaxis and some discoloration, no one was permanently injured. A cadre of FIFA psychotherapists remain on hand to deal with the psychological aftermath.

Pitcher can’t hit target, strikes out batter on intentional walk

GFL Wire - Middle relief pitcher George Stanley was trying to get around pitching to right-hander Sam Federico when it all went bad. The first pitch hit the inside corner of the plate and the second was right through the heart of it.

Federico was confused when catcher Rob Lattimore had to jump back from outside of the box to prevent a “wild pitch” which, again, was strike three.

Manager Julio Ortega said, "Yeah, this is a little - no, a lot - embarrassing. I don't even know who Stanley is. That's how much control I have over my team, folks. We're ridiculous. You got a problem - call the front office."

Pitcher Stanley didn't agree. “I know I struck 'em out, but man, I’d give anything for another shot at that walk.”

Detroit to rename NFL franchise the “Lion-Likes”

Detroit – The Detroit Lions have renamed their team the Detroit "Lion-Likes." This is in response to an ongoing attempt to make sports franchises in Detroit more honest about their supposed ferocity. “A lion with our record,” said coach Jim Schwartz, “would never survive in the wild. Evolutionarily speaking, we [Lions] would never survive to reproductive age to pass on our genes.” Schwartz, a former defensive coordinator with the Tennessee Titans, is a retired biologist.

Other teams with rather nonthreatening names may do the opposite: the seahawk, a beautiful bird native to the Pacific Northwest; the cardinal, hardly a threat to the prey of the ecosystem. And we all know the dolphin scares no one, in fact only delights, when it snorkels seawater.

But Detroit has made it official. Other names had been considered: the Detroit Kind-of-Close-to-Voracious Animals, the Detroit Not-So-Scary Siamese Cats, the Detroit When-Will-This-Franchise-Fold Felines, and the Detroit Rather-Unfrightening Domesticated House Pets. Most pundits think the Detroit P**sies will do.

Julep Poll: NHL has least amount of assholes of nation's four major sports

In a recent Julep poll, Americans were loud and clear: Hockey doesn’t have as many assholes as football, baseball, or basketball.

Julep spokesman Hank Sutcliffe stated: “American have clearly made their decision. Hockey doesn’t have a Barry Bonds, a Kobe Bryant, a Terrell Owens. These are just nicer guys. Really,” Sanderson went on, “Those guys in the other sports are just assholes. Really. Are you gonna argue with a pollster?” 

"Who doesn't just love those Canucks and their eastern European counterparts?" Sutcliffe continued. “There are not as many egos, lack of accountability, rudeness, profligate spending of fortunes, or extramarital affairs in hockey.”

NHL Commissioner Hank Sutcliffe, the same man who commissioned the poll, replied, "Really? We didn't even know anyone was paying attention."

Kobe Bryant caught tweeting during Game 6, admits Facebook addiction too

Los Angeles - The recent tweets were: “OMG man did you see the 3-pointer I just made…” and “Go to ABC people, I’m at the line - :)” and "Man, Rajon Rondo so does not wash behind the ears - LOL".

And this was all during Game 6 of the NBA Championship Finals between the Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers.

Kobe Bryant, 12-time NBA All-Star, also admits a Facebook addiction as well as an unhealthy fascination with MySpace, texting, any technology with an "i" in front of it, and emoticons.

Last Tuesday, upon receiving nasty posts from those he "thought were his friends", Bryant said he’d sworn off Facebook forever. Clearly it was distracting him from the NBA finals. Last night, in a post game conference, he claimed that FB is the reason why the series is knotted at 3-3. “I’m done with it!” cried Bryant in his "final" post Tuesday night, “No more Facebook. Goodbye, cruel world!”

This Wednesday morning he was at it again on FB, sending out invitations to play Treasure Isle, joining the group "I love when people don't know you but they hate you" and posting photoshopped naked pictures of Celtic forward Kevin Garnett. - ttys

Phils' day off snaps daily losing streak

The fledgling Philadelphia Phillies didn’t play on Monday. And they didn’t lose.

The welcomed day off saw several of the starting lineup attending a batting clinic at Woodrow Wilson Junior High. The clinic, hosted by the Junior Varsity Phillies, gave all-stars Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jayson Werth an opportunity to get some pointers from the youngsters.

13-year-old first baseman Joey Henderson said, “Hey, these guys could really pull it together if they could hone their swing. Ryan’s swinging early, Jayson’s swinging high, and Utley doesn’t swing at all. He just walks all the time. Which is nice, but it makes for boring baseball. This is a bad slump and we’re doing the best we can.”

The Phillies are set to play the New York Yankees on Tuesday. In New York. And with CC Sabathia on the mound. This does not bode well.

NFL to make metric system switch in 2012

London – Finally. The National Football League is moving with the times.

To date, the United States is the only First World nation to not make the metric switch. It requires conversion and probably some long division or something.

But it changes everything. The new length of the field is 91.44 meters. Offenses will now need 9.14 meters to convert a first down. Tennessee Titan Chris Johnson, 200 lbs, (oh, sorry, 99.79 kg, or .00998 metric tons) led the league in 2009 with 1.834 rushing kilometers.

Club-footed Tom Dempsey and Jason Elam will still share the record for the longest field goal (57.6 m). Dempsey made his in November of MCMLXX and Elam in October of MCMXCVIII. 

Jerry Jones was skeptical, “I don’t think there’s a gram of truth to it.”

An angry mob of mathematically challenged jingoists protested outside of NFL headquarters on Park Avenue in New York City. Chants and picket signs were everywhere, including "Don't give an inch! Down with the Brits!" and "Say No To Rugby!" and "Save our Rulers!"

All of this as former presidential advisor Karl Rove, joining forces with Tea Party leadership and Sean Hannity, issued the following statement at the pulpit: "It's Un-American. It's unpatriotic. And this current administration is doing nothing about it." 

____________________

BREAKING: Skeeter Johnson tests positive for bovine growth hormone

The Shame of the Majors

The Midwest - 39-year-old veteran first baseman Skeeter Johnson, now in his 18th year, decided to push the envelope and go one more. It's a decision he will regret for the rest of his life.

While tending to his cattle in the off-season, Skeeter’s curiosity got the better of him and he turned the needle meant for his livestock on himself. The BGH*, bovine growth hormone, needle.

As a result, Skeeter got larger and fatter. And developed breasts.

"I was lactating," said Johnson in Monday's press conference, "I was full-figured. I was absolutely radiant. It was like a shortcut to greatness. And I couldn't resist the high."

Animal activists and baseball enthusiasts picketed outside the conference as Skeeter continued his heart-wrenching admission, "I realized what I have done to my friends, my colleagues, my family…and most of all, the sport of baseball…no wait, wait! I meant most of all, my wife. Sorry, babe. First my wife, then baseball. No wait. It's my wife, my family, then baseball. Better yet, wait, wait, wait. It's my lovely wife, my family, our dear Lord in heaven, then baseball. There we go. That's the order. . . .Oh, and then the cows."

The reputation of Skeeter “the Cheater” Johnson will forever be tarnished. It should be stated that Skeeter’s batting average, slugging average, errors, home runs, and RBIs have all dropped off dramatically since the BGH.

*NOTE: Bovine somatropin, also known as BGH (bovine growth hormone) or CC (cattle “crack”) has been used to bulk up cattle to increase milk production. Cows have reported multiple side effects, including but not limited to: difficulty urinating, dizzy spells, decreased interest in daily activities, erections lasting more than four hours, and heart palpitations. Cows on beta blockers or MAO inhibitors should not take BGH.

Jockey reveals thoroughbred "Luck Be a Bradley Cooper" is gay

Belmont – With earnings just over $1 million in 2010, trainers and jockeys have been pleased with the success of Luck Be A Bradley Cooper. Yet, the promising stud failed to show up in his gate at yesterday’s Belmont Stakes, one of horse racing’s preeminent triumvirate. Yesterday, amid a heat wave, local authorities found the crestfallen thoroughbred aimlessly roaming the Verrazano Bridge.

The equine was rushed to Long Island’s Our Lady of Mother Mary’s Epiphany Emergency Medical Center for People and Very Special Horses. He is currently being treated with IV fluids and sedatives.

It has not escaped the attention of owners and backers of Luck Be A Bradley Cooper that he was listless and withdrawn of late. “He wasn’t enjoying the things he usually does," said owner Thurmond M. Thaler, Jr., "he wasn’t his joking self and began to back out of parties and events that weren’t absolutely necessary.”

“I just knew something was wrong with him,” reported 3’7”, 54 pound jockey Mickey Beebe. “Turns out he’d been living a lie. He had to keep up appearances, what with always being in the white hot spotlight that shines on American horse racing, clearly the nation's favorite sport. I’m his jockey and I just didn’t see it. Then I thought, is he looking at me when I’m naked in the stall? How about all the other naked horses right there in the next stall? I should have known when he was spending a lot of time in Internet chat rooms and signing out real quick-like when I entered the room. There were signs. And no one was listening.”

The National Horse and Horse People Association vote next week on their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

Hawks' Niemi claims ice in Philly “too slippery”

Broad Street Baby – After dropping two straight to the charmed Philadelphia Flyers to even up the series, Chicago Blackhawks' Antti Niemi aired his frustrations.

One of the NHL’s premier netminders, Niemi has had a history of moaning and groaning about conditions. “The ice was slippery around the net. I find the entire Philadelphia organization to be suspect. It was like melted water or something. I can’t get my footing under these conditions. This is how you get a broken neck.”

He also groused about the open-net goal. “Sure, they're gonna score when there’s nobody in the way!. . .Also, did it ever occur to you people that I can’t see s**t out of this helmet?”

Niemi has filed grievances with the NHL Player’s Association that included: the ice was too cold, that his pads were itchy, that he doesn’t get to play enough offense, and that Chicago-style pizza sucks.

Still grappling with tail end of recession, Goodyear to project hologram

Detroit - Unable to budget enough of the natural inert gas helium, Goodyear has decided to pull it’s nationwide fleet of dirigibles.
    “The blimps are wimps!” cried avid Carolina fans, whose only hope for excitement this year are the blimps themselves, a mainstay of aerial entertainment.
    The perdurable tire company plans to project holograms of a blimp against particles in the atmosphere to simulate the flight. “You won’t even be able to know the difference, people!” says Goodyear CEO Rob Wheels. In the contrails will be advertisements from a variety of corporations, including actual blimp companies that have not folded.
    “The simulation of avionics is an outstanding achievement of NASA,” adds Wheels, “who, you’ll recall, once fooled the entire world of a moon landing.” The same old decades-true technology proves to do the same for sports  fans everywhere.

2011 Madden Football game to include actually playing on a field

GFL Insider - It's an entirely new way of thinking. It's an entirely new game. It's a box filled with a football, a tee, some pads, a stopwatch, chalk, a Madden bobble-head, and the NFL Rule Book. It's revolutionary.

Due to the shortage of gaming programmers and a convalescing economy, the people at EA Sports are now encouraging people to simply go out and play football.

For this apathethic and sluggish nation, maybe it's just what the doctor ordered. And what better way for EA to set an example for corpulent and unhealthy men, women, and children everywhere.

“We’re going to simply skip the software in 2011,” says the game’s production designer Ian Rolley, “Really, would it kill ya to go out and actually play the game? . . .losers.” 

"That's right, we said it!" exclaims John Madden himself from his trailer somewhere on Route 66. "...not this year...no video game...turducken...Bret Favre..." 

Walmart, partnering with EA Sports, will be supplying the trademark accessories such as shorts, t-shirts, gatorade, headbands, first aid kits, smelling salts, HGH, and grass seed.

“You can be any player you like, but really, isn’t it high time you just became...you?" says Rolley. "Why have you been living vicariously through others?"

All players are encouraged to place a photo of their own image in action on the front of the box, but designers warn that they are not responsible for the "Madden Curse".

In a related effort, Halo is also launching a similar campaign. All boxes include fatigues and the actual weapons (minus the ammunition, due to legalities).

Diary of an Anonymous Long Snapper

The following is an excerpt from the upcoming biography series "Sports Anonymous" published by GFL Clearing House.

". . .I’m a long snapper. I go to practice and I long snap. I don’t run. I don’t kick. I don’t catch. I don’t throw. I rarely even block. I simply snap the ball really far back. I do about five hours of snapping at practice, take a break, snap a little more, then look at some tape of me long-snapping. Coach says I’m the best long-snapper of all time. He said there were many great ones before me, but that I am the best. I asked him who these other great long snappers were, but he said he couldn’t name them citing that his brain was filled with other coaching stuff at the time. . ."

“Can you believe it!”: FCC censors Al Michaels for difficult words

Washington, D.C. - Veteran NBC Sports Analyst Al Michaels faces censorship from the FCC. According to the FCC, that august group of moral superiority, Al Michaels has been at it for too long as the “thesaurus” of sports.
    “Stick to ‘Can You Believe It!’, Al,” says the FCC. "No more ten dollars words like ‘predilection’, ‘tenable’, ‘propicious’, ‘irretractable’. No one understands you, Al. No more ‘prodigious’, ‘disconsolate’ and ‘plenary’."
    All broadcasts will be further delayed by an additional 24 seconds for real-time adjustment during live games so that FCC officials can find simpler, more accessible words for the American public from their Roget’s Reverse Thesaurus, published by the Random House subdivision People for Parity In An Intellectually Challenged Society. This bible of major network television studios has been used on the set of Survivor, American Idol, Pawn Stars, and MTV’s Real World.
    “Our job,” says NBC and the FCC, “is to ensure that people are not jarred or otherwise comfounded by difficult and challenging language that they haven’t seen since the SATs."
    All of the words will be replaced with simpler three to six letter words more readily digestible for an already dwindling American intelligence.
   “I am disheartened and crestfallen. This is a thoroughgoing and unexpurgated shock to me. But I will capitulate to anything that this saturnalian, ignoble, and profligate network requests. Because I’m Al Michaels. And I get along with everybody.”
    Both the FCC and NBC were appreciative of Michaels' warm comments.

Christian Coalition: Pointing to God really works

Christian Coalition to NFL: Pointing To God Really Works 

The Bible Belt – The North American Christian Coalition joined forces with Gallop to release the following statistic: Pointing toward the sky after crossing the plane really gets the Big Man’s attention.
    “He’s usually resting on Sunday,” says Tammy Faye Bakker, “and clearly receivers, quarterbacks and other players score touchdowns because they send their thanks skyward to the Almighty. That’s why all players who have pointed to the sky have scored touchdowns.”
     Many have criticized the flawed logic of this reasoning, citing a lack of understanding about temporal and causal relationships and the paradox of reaching backward in time.
    Stephen Hawking stated, “Only in a black hole could such reasoning be possible. And by that time, the player would have turned to spaghetti.”
    “We don’t care,” says Coalition founder and CEO Oral Roberts, “Do you know any player who pointed to God who didn’t just score a touchdown?”
    “Well, no,” replied Hawking, “But –”
    “Then just shut up Cambridge boy and go study your stupid evolution and your ‘round’ Earth.”
    It seems the bridge between religion and science will never be completed. But, thanks be to God, football will live on.

QBs to be protected by Dupont's "Nano-Bubble"

John Singlinden-linden
GFL Nano-Technology and all things really small.


District Of Columbia – Every year there’s a new rule to protect the quarterback.

NFL franchises will have the opportunity to increase the shelf life of their franchise quarterbacks.

In a double blind survey commissioned by the NFL Players Association, 95.5% of NFL quarterbacks complained: “the hits are too hard,” or “I want to play until I’m 52,” or “my uniform needs constant mending by the team seamstress,” or “the pressure from linebackers and cornerbacks. . .well, frankly how am I supposed to do my job if I keep getting pressure from the other team?”

The “Nano-Bubble”, engineered by physicists and engineers at the Army Corps Of Engineers and Dupont, employs nanotechnology to shield the quarterback from hits exceeding 20 Newtons of force or 16 PSI, roughly atmospheric pressure. Anything under this “force threshold” such as a handshake from a congratulating opponent, a botched snap, or glaring lights from the scoreboard is repelled. Officials from The NFL Hall of Fame in Canton are encouraging players interested in the Nano-Bubble to stay at home and play Madden 10 on their Sony Playstations.

This new technology should not be confused with bubble-wrap, which was tried by Boomer Esiason and Vinnie Testeverde.

This new rule will extend to punters as kickers as well as special teams returners who call for fair catches.

Quarterback coaches and agents are hoping that someday they can avoid all physical contact at the position.

GFL Wire...Ballgirl Fired!

Ballgirl Misses Too Many Grounders, Fired

Seattle - Frustrated that they can’t fire their own players due to contractual obligations, the Seattle Mariners front office took out their frustrations on ballgirl Rosie Santizo.

In her fourth year out of Woodrow Wilson Elementary, Rosie committing four fielding errors down the left field foul line during the 2009 season.

“While not officially a roster player,” said a team spokesman, “fan morale on the left side of the field was clearly affected. We can’t have that around here. We already suck.”

Santizo was pushed down to the minor league affiliate but never fully recovered. She’s was recently picked up by Salem Police for possession of narcotics and is currently in juvenile holding under treatment for depression.

GFL Insider: New punting rules

NFL To Allow Punting On First Down, Five Downs For God Awful Teams

Canton - The NFL has stated it will allow punting on first downs again. This is an effort to level the playing field for lousy teams who would like to tire out the opposing offense.

“People like Belichik think they can score at will,” says Detroit Lions coach Jim Schwartz, “Well, we’d like to get their offense out on the field as much as possible, tire them out, and take the field against the iced defense.”

In another effort, new regulations will allow for sub-par teams to enjoy a five-down offensive series when losing by twenty or more points.

Schwartz, again, is optimistic. “So this means we can punt on all four downs, or play offense for five downs. Sometimes we can play offense the first two downs and then kick three times, or play the first three downs, kick on the fourth, and pass on fifth down – provided we’re really in a fifth-and-long situation.” Pundits agree this new rule should revolutionize the sport.