Detroit to rename NFL franchise the “Lion-Likes”

Detroit – The Detroit Lions have renamed their team the Detroit "Lion-Likes." This is in response to an ongoing attempt to make sports franchises in Detroit more honest about their supposed ferocity. “A lion with our record,” said coach Jim Schwartz, “would never survive in the wild. Evolutionarily speaking, we [Lions] would never survive to reproductive age to pass on our genes.” Schwartz, a former defensive coordinator with the Tennessee Titans, is a retired biologist.

Other teams with rather nonthreatening names may do the opposite: the seahawk, a beautiful bird native to the Pacific Northwest; the cardinal, hardly a threat to the prey of the ecosystem. And we all know the dolphin scares no one, in fact only delights, when it snorkels seawater.

But Detroit has made it official. Other names had been considered: the Detroit Kind-of-Close-to-Voracious Animals, the Detroit Not-So-Scary Siamese Cats, the Detroit When-Will-This-Franchise-Fold Felines, and the Detroit Rather-Unfrightening Domesticated House Pets. Most pundits think the Detroit P**sies will do.