BREAKING: Skeeter Johnson tests positive for bovine growth hormone

The Shame of the Majors

The Midwest - 39-year-old veteran first baseman Skeeter Johnson, now in his 18th year, decided to push the envelope and go one more. It's a decision he will regret for the rest of his life.

While tending to his cattle in the off-season, Skeeter’s curiosity got the better of him and he turned the needle meant for his livestock on himself. The BGH*, bovine growth hormone, needle.

As a result, Skeeter got larger and fatter. And developed breasts.

"I was lactating," said Johnson in Monday's press conference, "I was full-figured. I was absolutely radiant. It was like a shortcut to greatness. And I couldn't resist the high."

Animal activists and baseball enthusiasts picketed outside the conference as Skeeter continued his heart-wrenching admission, "I realized what I have done to my friends, my colleagues, my family…and most of all, the sport of baseball…no wait, wait! I meant most of all, my wife. Sorry, babe. First my wife, then baseball. No wait. It's my wife, my family, then baseball. Better yet, wait, wait, wait. It's my lovely wife, my family, our dear Lord in heaven, then baseball. There we go. That's the order. . . .Oh, and then the cows."

The reputation of Skeeter “the Cheater” Johnson will forever be tarnished. It should be stated that Skeeter’s batting average, slugging average, errors, home runs, and RBIs have all dropped off dramatically since the BGH.

*NOTE: Bovine somatropin, also known as BGH (bovine growth hormone) or CC (cattle “crack”) has been used to bulk up cattle to increase milk production. Cows have reported multiple side effects, including but not limited to: difficulty urinating, dizzy spells, decreased interest in daily activities, erections lasting more than four hours, and heart palpitations. Cows on beta blockers or MAO inhibitors should not take BGH.