NFL to make metric system switch in 2012

London – Finally. The National Football League is moving with the times.

To date, the United States is the only First World nation to not make the metric switch. It requires conversion and probably some long division or something.

But it changes everything. The new length of the field is 91.44 meters. Offenses will now need 9.14 meters to convert a first down. Tennessee Titan Chris Johnson, 200 lbs, (oh, sorry, 99.79 kg, or .00998 metric tons) led the league in 2009 with 1.834 rushing kilometers.

Club-footed Tom Dempsey and Jason Elam will still share the record for the longest field goal (57.6 m). Dempsey made his in November of MCMLXX and Elam in October of MCMXCVIII. 

Jerry Jones was skeptical, “I don’t think there’s a gram of truth to it.”

An angry mob of mathematically challenged jingoists protested outside of NFL headquarters on Park Avenue in New York City. Chants and picket signs were everywhere, including "Don't give an inch! Down with the Brits!" and "Say No To Rugby!" and "Save our Rulers!"

All of this as former presidential advisor Karl Rove, joining forces with Tea Party leadership and Sean Hannity, issued the following statement at the pulpit: "It's Un-American. It's unpatriotic. And this current administration is doing nothing about it." 

____________________