MIT Think Tank Reportedly Solves Infield Fly Rule

Cambridge - Six of the world brightest men and women convened for several sessions in mid-July to solve the age-old befuddling enigma that is the infield fly rule of baseball.

The rule, like the Gordian knot, has been one of baseball intractable problems, baffling sports enthusiasts and wives for ages.

"We've used everything," said John Gyrus, MIT professor emeritus of sports horticulture, "from computer-generated scenario models to virtual simulations to the Pythagorean Theorem and some long division. There were many late nights with Sam Adams and the Wii."

The august group, which included a macroeconomist, a neuroscientist, a Fields Metal mathematics professor, a public choice theorist, and a Hotel and Restaurant Management major, were able to reverse engineer the rule and put it back together again successfully.

While we think we may have solved its underlying mechanism," says Penny Parietal, the panel's chair, "We have a long way to go into finding out how it got there in the first place."

DuPont Gets Contract, NFL to Encase QBs in Protective Nano-Bubble

NFL Headquarters, NYC – Every year there’s a new rule to protect the quarterback and now after Clay Matthews unconscionably had the gall to play defense and sack Redskins QB Alex Smith like he was a quarterback or something, NFL franchises will have the opportunity to increase the shelf life of their franchise quarterbacks.

In a double-blind survey commissioned by the NFL Players Association, 95.5% of NFL quarterbacks complained: “the hits are too hard,” or “I want to play until I’m 52,” or “my uniform needs constant mending by the team seamstress,” or “the pressure from linebackers and cornerbacks, well, frankly how am I supposed to do my job if I keep getting pressure from the other team?”

The “Nano-Bubble”, engineered by physicists and engineers at the Army Corps of Engineers and Dupont, employs nanotechnology to shield the quarterback from hits exceeding 20 Newtons of force or 16 PSI, roughly atmospheric pressure. Anything under this “force threshold” such as a handshake from a congratulating opponent, a botched snap, or glaring lights from the scoreboard is repelled. Officials from the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton are encouraging players interested in the Nano-Bubble to stay at home and play Madden 19 on their game consoles.

This new technology should not be confused with bubble-wrap, which was tried by Boomer Esiason and Vinny Testeverde.

Quarterback coaches and agents are hoping that someday they can avoid all physical contact at every position. 

“Can you believe it!”- FCC Censors Al Michaels for Difficult Words

Sharky Johnson,

GFL Sports Analyst

Washington, D.C. - Veteran NBC play-by-play commentator Al Michaels faces censorship from the FCC. After deftly calling the Giants/Cowboys divisional bout Monday night, they had had enough.
    According to the FCC, that august group of moral superiority, Al Michaels has been at it for too long as the "thesaurus" of sports.
    "Stick to 'Can You Believe It!', Al," says the FCC. "No more ten dollars words like predilection, tenable, propicious, or irretractable," they said. No one understands you, Al. During this Monday's contest, he was recorded as saying ‘prodigious’, ‘disconsolate’ and ‘plenary’." Censors allowed it through, apparently unaware at the time of this wanton egregiousness.
    All broadcasts will be further delayed by an additional 24 seconds for real-time adjustment during live games so that FCC officials can find simpler, more accessible words for the American public from their Roget’s Reverse Thesaurus, published by the Random House subdivision People for Parity In An Intellectually Challenged Society. This bible of major network television studios has been used on the set of PBS Newshour, BBC News, and Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
    "Our job," says NBC and the FCC, "Is to ensure that people are not jarred or otherwise confounded by difficult and challenging language that they haven't seen since the SATs."
    All of the words will be replaced with simpler three to six letter words more readily digestible for an already dwindling American intelligence.
    GFL reached out to Chris Collingsworth for comment, but have not heard back. It was a welcomed non-response.
    "I am disheartened and crestfallen," tweeted Michaels from Sioux City, Iowa while covering an amateur in-line hockey league, "This is a thoroughgoing and unexpurgated shock to me. But I will capitulate to anything that this saturnalian, ignoble, and profligate network requests. Because I’m Al Michaels. And I get along with everybody."
    Both the FCC and NBC were appreciative of Michaels's warm comments.

BREAKING - Commissioner Wins Week 1, Reds "Red Dog" Grayson Tapped To Head Investigation

MORRISTOWN, NJ - It seems like it happens almost annually. Not only that, but almost every year. The Trefill team has won week 1. Despite full disclosure by Trefill, Reds Grayson has already begun an audit into the win/loss tally and questions the validity and timing of the mogul's first-week entry. Trefill has stated he will answer any questions, notwithstanding an un-named member of his legal team bewailing, "Oh, for God's sake, we can't have him answering questions," reminding us of Trefill's penchant for lying and creating fictitious narratives according to his ever-changing whim. 

"False, false, false lies, not just regular lies, but false lies," belly-ached Trefill in an impromptu Q and A with the press on his way to his golf course in Florence, NJ. "I have done more for this pool than anyone else before me, you would all be nothing without me, I am the greatest...I mean just look at the pot - it's the most it's ever been, folks. Everybody's winning," he cried, his arms flagellating, his flaming red hair blowing in the gusting winds that comes ahead of this weekend's storm. "Florence, NJ, brace yourself," he stated, " Hurricane Florence is coming."

The Red Dog Investigation is like to be a protracted investigation that will mar the GFL trademark. More developments after Week 2 concludes...

Birds’ Vick claims he has no concussion, just a recurring “Case of the Mondays”

Philadelphia – After a devastating last minute loss to the Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick admitted to a Philadelphia press corps that while he has suffered several concussive injuries in the past, this time he truly has a "Case of the Mondays.”
    Several players on the team, after hearing of his complaint, summarily kicked his ass into next weekend.

    Some have speculated that he has suffered a minor bout of depression upon hearing that Denzel Washington wouldn't be playing him in the much anticipated biopic. 

    “The condition is typically a passing one,” says medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta, “But it has become predictably chronic. Except of course, when he plays on Monday night. In which case his physician should probably prescribe medication for a "Case of the Tuesdays.”

Kobayashi sprains left incisor, out for Pizza Hut Stuffed-Crust competition

Coney Island - Nearly a year after being charged with trespassing and obstructing governmental administration at the Nathan’s eating contest, the professional Japanese gorger sustained a serious dental injury.

The IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) considers this category of injury the “concussion” of the sport. “We’re just not doing enough about it,” says competition official John Liplicker, “it’s getting brutal out there.”

“This is one of those serious injuries that could be a career ender,” said IFOCE chairman Rex Wendelmen, “I mean look what happened to Tim Janus at the Land-o-Lakes butter competition.” When asked how eating butter could have caused a dental injury Wendelmen responded, “Well, you're supposed to wait until it melts first.”

Kobayashi's injury prevents him from biting slightly to the front and left, a major strategy for competitive eaters to temporarily pouch foods while chewing more and thus not obstructing the esophagus or backing up the digestive system. The move is called the “Couch the Pouch.”

MLB Capsule: Chipper complains of ankle pain, says he never really liked baseball anyway

 

Braves way behind, Chipper requests to be placed on DL

Atlanta - The Braves have toyed around with giving the Phils a run for their money for the last two months. But now, still 8.5 games out, old Chipper wants to take his ball and go home.

The aging infielder complained of a slight irritation in what he called “the ankle area”. He went on, “it feels like a little chafing, you see it there?” he asked teammates. “I just don’t feel right about this. I look hideous.” He went on to say how stupid baseball is and that he wanted to be placed on the DL as soon as possible.

Team doctors okayed him for play, but Jones wanted a second opinion.

Seattle Mariners accidentally win two in a row

Safeco Field - By sheer chance, the struggling Mariners feel like they tripped over a stack of twenties. For the first time since 1926, they won two consecutive games. In a row.

“We didn’t mean to, we just stopped paying attention and two wins snuck up on us," said skipper Eric Wedge, "surprised the hell out of me.”

Entire Houston Astros franchise sent down to minors

Houston - The entire Astros organization, including owners, managers, players, field crew, front office personnel, and the fans themselves will be heading to Triple-A to share a field with the Tacoma Rainiers.

Commissioner Selig will figure out a way to work them into the year’s remaining schedule.

Scheduled opponents in the major will be awarded a forfeited win and get some time off.

Since their darling Hunter Pence left town for Philly they’ve only won 3 games, and only then accidentally.