MIT think tank reportedly solves infield fly rule

Cambridge - Six of the world brightest men and women convened for several sessions in mid-July to solve the age-old befuddling enigma that is the infield fly rule of baseball.

The rule, like the Gordian knot, has been one of baseball intractable problems, baffling sports enthusiasts and wives for ages.

"We've used everything," said John Gyrus, MIT professor emeritus of sports horticulture, "from computer generated scenario models and virtual simulations to the Pythagorean Theorem and some long division. There were many late nights with Sam Adams and the Wii."

The august group, which included a macroeconomist, a neuroscientist, a Fields Metal mathematics professor, a public choice theorist, and a Hotel and Restaurant Management major, were able to reverse engineer the rule and put it back together again successfully.

While we think we may have solved it's underlying mechanism," says Penny Parietal, the panel's chair, "we have a long way to go into finding out how it got there in the first place."

Frustrated at St. Andrews, Tiger hands in card in Roman Numerals

St. Andrews - Frustrated by his recent play, Tiger Woods set out to record all of his shots in Roman Numerals. Tournament officials questioned his lack of etiquette. "This is an affront to the sport of golf," said tournament official Eddie Reynolds, "No one here knows how to read, write, or speak Roman."

The fallen icon's antics didn't stop there. Just to be contentious, he also handed in those numbers on a scorecard signed by Jack Nicklaus that he picked up at an auction.

In another incident, to protect himself from censure (or censor, I suppose), he shouted profanities at a rustling crowd in Icelandic, a language he has never spoken but learned the prior night after ordering Rosetta Stone on the Home Shopping Network. He was also seen throwing live balls into sand traps, giggling like a child.

Bobby Jones once used the Dewey decimal system to record his scores, but that was after he suffered a blow to the head with a 5 iron. But that's another story.

When questioned at the press conference Tiger had this say: "Well, it was hot out there. I've been to...where are we, England, Barcelona. . .well, wherever I am, I've been here many times, and it was hot out there. Actually it really probably more the humidity than the heat. So it got to me. The heat, the humidity, the atmospheric pressure. Blame it on the weather. I most certainly do. You know, I'm not really sure I ever really liked golf anyway."

Incidentally, Woods went XVII over par.

Due to recession, MLB runs out of balls, All-Star game canceled

Anaheim, CA - During last Sunday night's game between the Houston Astros and New York Yankees, catcher Humberto Quintero reached back for a fresh ball for his pitcher Roy Oswalt, and uh-oh - the umpire found himself with an empty pocket. The confounded official then looked back to the home team ball provider - nothing doing. They simply ran out of baseballs. The pitcher had the only one left in his hand and they were going to have to use that for the balance of the game.

But when Derek Jeter hit it over the fence into private property in the bottom of the eighth, the game was called. Nobody would dare trespass on Mrs. Shoemaker's lawn. So everybody went home.

"That jerk-off Jeter had to hit a home run and now we can't play," said pitcher Sabathia, regarding his own teammate.

"Sorry," said the ever personable commish Bud Selig, "Times are tight. Money's tight. And I have completely run out of balls. What do you want from my life?"

An unfortunate result is that the All-Star game will be canceled tonight if the local Modell's in Anaheim does not have enough balls in stock. Officials are combing every possible Walmart, Target, and Sears for anything resembling a baseball and with the word "Official" on it.

Factories in Mexico are scrambling to churn out thousands of regulation balls for the second half of the season. At 70 cents a man-hour.


[NOTE: Each home team is to provide 95 balls per game. On average about 60 to 70 balls are used in a game, one every three to five pitches. The MLB website reports that approximately 160,000 balls are used in a season. This is largely attributed to the league's persnickety pitching corps.]

World Cup concludes, Americans can stop saying they love soccer

Reuters – American can relax. The ruse is over.

It’s like PBS. Or Classical music. We all say we love it. Because then we’re cool. We’re worldly, don’t you know. But here's the truth of the matter: Soccer’s struggling. You can do the laundry, wash the car, go through Halloween, Christmas and Groundhog Day, and the score is still 0-1 with a clock you keep forgetting to remember is running forwards.

"I've had it with living a lie," said Brad Forster of Carson City, "I even went so far as to wear that tight shirt that made me look like a biker."

"My son wants to quit the violin and learn the vuvuzela!" said Barbara Wallace of Schenectady.

"I couldn't bear the subterfuge for another single day," said stay-at-home father Ricky Harcourt. "I even bookmarked www.worldcup2010southafrica.com. I don't even know how long the games last."

Thankfully the NFL schedule is less than a month away.

The LA Galaxy got David Beckham. The US went further than the Brits in 2010. And Landon Donovan might enjoy a little press junket and an Oprah appearance. But no matter. It’s a sport of extraordinary stamina but very little payoff. The ball is too big and the net too small and the two defensive fullbacks are in two different area codes. Shorten the field, wear cooler uniforms, put in some cheerleaders, and remove the goalie – or keep it in the UK. Or South America. Or wherever the hell the damned thing’s played.

Guy mowing lawn says LeBron’s decision more important to him than life itself

AP - Joe Wilson of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania is just a regular guy. And one of the NBA's biggest fans. But he has issued a press release to the local circulars and news outlets that he will keep mowing his lawn until there is a resolution to the dragged out, much hyped saga that is LeBron James' future in the NBA.

"The King's decision to stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or skip town," said Wilson, "is more important to me than life itself. It's more important than my wife, my kids, my job."

Wilson, 34, has not been sleeping well and has been mowing his lawn repeatedly and obsessively at all hours of the day and night, driving his once loving neighbors to threaten his life with ice picks and gardening tools. Wilson's wife Marjorie has fled with their three children to her mother's house for, as she put it, "an indefinite period of time - probably forever."

"It's not a protest," said the inconsolable Wilson while cleaning his edger, "It's just how I'm dealing with it. I need this ordeal to end. I need to move on. I need closure."

LeBron James is scheduled to make his decision tonight at 8:00 pm eastern on ESPN. Perhaps then our nation can begin the healing process.

NFL may run games Sunday through Saturday, but that’s it

THE WIRE - NFL officials have stated that they will continue to schedule games Sunday and Monday night. Also, there will be a Tuesday night AFC game for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and whoever they may be playing, as well as a Wednesday night NFC match up subject to the flex scheduling policy already in existence.

Thursday night games will also become regular issue (not just Thanksgiving and other random Thursdays that have been historically unpredictable and led many men to say "What? There was a game on tonight?! And I was watching Dancing With the Stars?!"). Friday night games will be aired to outdo the high school market and Saturday games will air weekly on Lifetime to the make hay of that untapped market.

But that's it.

McNabb to 'Skins squad: I'm Steady Quarterback - Forever

WASHINGTON - "I called it first, and there's no do-overs," said eleven-year veteran and 6 time Pro Bowler Donovan McNabb as he laid down the law to his new teammates. According to him, he will be the steady quarterback in all sixteen games as well as mini camp, general camp, general practice, and special teams practice.

The Washington organization is still mourning the loss of quarterback phenom Jason Campbell to the Oakland Raiders and acclimating themselves to McNabb, recently traded from the Philadelphia Eagles. McNabb promises to bring his "losing when it counts" attitude to the nation's capital.

BREAKING: Mayweather files TRO against Pacquiao, effective whenever they are in the ring

LAS VEGAS – In a last ditch effort to avoid the much awaited bout, IBA World Welterweight Champion "Pretty Boy Floyd" Mayweather Jr. has filed for and received an injunction from the Third U.S. District Court against "Pac-Man" Manny Pacquiao.

The TRO, or temporary restraining order, prohibits Pacquiao, while in the ring anytime with Mayweather in the contiguous United States or any of its territories, commonwealths, or possessions, from coming within "four inches of his opponent". This gives the upper hand to Mayweather, who plans to draw his legally restricted opponent in a fit of rage and then win the bout after Pacquiao’s arrest and subsequent forfeiture of the match.

"We've never had an arrest in the ring," said Gilberto Mendoza, long time WBA president. "What a boost it would be for the sport. I mean, you can beat the s**t out of someone in a bar in quite the same manner and get arrested. Why not in the ring?"

Arguing his case in court, Mayweather's attorney cited irreconcilable differences between the two pugilists as well as a litany of other complaints including: bullying text messages, physical threats, and an "unpredictable tempermentality" on the part of the defendant.