BREAKING: Jesus Confers Ability, Brady Walks On Water

Boston Harbor – Unconfirmed but reliable sources report New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has indeed walked on water. The site of the phenomenon was Boston Harbor. Agents are on the scene and several eyewitnesses have testified to local authorities.

“I walk on water just like everybody else – feet first.” says the nimble pro-bowler. He then recoiled in feigned humility, “There’s nothing special about me – other than I am the best quarterback of all time and – well – Jesus and I are tight.”

Some ecologist have noted however that the harbor’s water is so viscous from pollution that the feat is not a feat at all – that he simply shuffled over the refuse of uneaten clam chowder.

Some veterans of the game were pointedly irate.

“He is not the best quarterback of all time,” Hall-Of-Famer Joe Montana chimes, “ and clearly the photos have been airbrushed. Has this guy had a psych eval?”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has stated that the completely reliable and entirely unbiased and unracist Boston Police Department is looking into the matter.

MIT think tank reportedly solves infield fly rule

Cambridge - Six of the world brightest men and women convened for several sessions in mid-July to solve the age-old befuddling enigma that is the infield fly rule of baseball.

The rule, like the Gordian knot, has been one of baseball intractable problems, baffling sports enthusiasts and wives for ages.

"We've used everything," said John Gyrus, MIT professor emeritus of sports horticulture, "from computer generated scenario models and virtual simulations to the Pythagorean Theorem and some long division. There were many late nights with Sam Adams and the Wii."

The august group, which included a macroeconomist, a neuroscientist, a Fields Metal mathematics professor, a public choice theorist, and a Hotel and Restaurant Management major, were able to reverse engineer the rule and put it back together again successfully.

While we think we may have solved it's underlying mechanism," says Penny Parietal, the panel's chair, "we have a long way to go into finding out how it got there in the first place."

Frustrated at St. Andrews, Tiger hands in card in Roman Numerals

St. Andrews - Frustrated by his recent play, Tiger Woods set out to record all of his shots in Roman Numerals. Tournament officials questioned his lack of etiquette. "This is an affront to the sport of golf," said tournament official Eddie Reynolds, "No one here knows how to read, write, or speak Roman."

The fallen icon's antics didn't stop there. Just to be contentious, he also handed in those numbers on a scorecard signed by Jack Nicklaus that he picked up at an auction.

In another incident, to protect himself from censure (or censor, I suppose), he shouted profanities at a rustling crowd in Icelandic, a language he has never spoken but learned the prior night after ordering Rosetta Stone on the Home Shopping Network. He was also seen throwing live balls into sand traps, giggling like a child.

Bobby Jones once used the Dewey decimal system to record his scores, but that was after he suffered a blow to the head with a 5 iron. But that's another story.

When questioned at the press conference Tiger had this say: "Well, it was hot out there. I've been to...where are we, England, Barcelona. . .well, wherever I am, I've been here many times, and it was hot out there. Actually it really probably more the humidity than the heat. So it got to me. The heat, the humidity, the atmospheric pressure. Blame it on the weather. I most certainly do. You know, I'm not really sure I ever really liked golf anyway."

Incidentally, Woods went XVII over par.

Due to recession, MLB runs out of balls, All-Star game canceled

Anaheim, CA - During last Sunday night's game between the Houston Astros and New York Yankees, catcher Humberto Quintero reached back for a fresh ball for his pitcher Roy Oswalt, and uh-oh - the umpire found himself with an empty pocket. The confounded official then looked back to the home team ball provider - nothing doing. They simply ran out of baseballs. The pitcher had the only one left in his hand and they were going to have to use that for the balance of the game.

But when Derek Jeter hit it over the fence into private property in the bottom of the eighth, the game was called. Nobody would dare trespass on Mrs. Shoemaker's lawn. So everybody went home.

"That jerk-off Jeter had to hit a home run and now we can't play," said pitcher Sabathia, regarding his own teammate.

"Sorry," said the ever personable commish Bud Selig, "Times are tight. Money's tight. And I have completely run out of balls. What do you want from my life?"

An unfortunate result is that the All-Star game will be canceled tonight if the local Modell's in Anaheim does not have enough balls in stock. Officials are combing every possible Walmart, Target, and Sears for anything resembling a baseball and with the word "Official" on it.

Factories in Mexico are scrambling to churn out thousands of regulation balls for the second half of the season. At 70 cents a man-hour.


[NOTE: Each home team is to provide 95 balls per game. On average about 60 to 70 balls are used in a game, one every three to five pitches. The MLB website reports that approximately 160,000 balls are used in a season. This is largely attributed to the league's persnickety pitching corps.]

World Cup concludes, Americans can stop saying they love soccer

Reuters – American can relax. The ruse is over.

It’s like PBS. Or Classical music. We all say we love it. Because then we’re cool. We’re worldly, don’t you know. But here's the truth of the matter: Soccer’s struggling. You can do the laundry, wash the car, go through Halloween, Christmas and Groundhog Day, and the score is still 0-1 with a clock you keep forgetting to remember is running forwards.

"I've had it with living a lie," said Brad Forster of Carson City, "I even went so far as to wear that tight shirt that made me look like a biker."

"My son wants to quit the violin and learn the vuvuzela!" said Barbara Wallace of Schenectady.

"I couldn't bear the subterfuge for another single day," said stay-at-home father Ricky Harcourt. "I even bookmarked www.worldcup2010southafrica.com. I don't even know how long the games last."

Thankfully the NFL schedule is less than a month away.

The LA Galaxy got David Beckham. The US went further than the Brits in 2010. And Landon Donovan might enjoy a little press junket and an Oprah appearance. But no matter. It’s a sport of extraordinary stamina but very little payoff. The ball is too big and the net too small and the two defensive fullbacks are in two different area codes. Shorten the field, wear cooler uniforms, put in some cheerleaders, and remove the goalie – or keep it in the UK. Or South America. Or wherever the hell the damned thing’s played.

Guy mowing lawn says LeBron’s decision more important to him than life itself

AP - Joe Wilson of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania is just a regular guy. And one of the NBA's biggest fans. But he has issued a press release to the local circulars and news outlets that he will keep mowing his lawn until there is a resolution to the dragged out, much hyped saga that is LeBron James' future in the NBA.

"The King's decision to stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or skip town," said Wilson, "is more important to me than life itself. It's more important than my wife, my kids, my job."

Wilson, 34, has not been sleeping well and has been mowing his lawn repeatedly and obsessively at all hours of the day and night, driving his once loving neighbors to threaten his life with ice picks and gardening tools. Wilson's wife Marjorie has fled with their three children to her mother's house for, as she put it, "an indefinite period of time - probably forever."

"It's not a protest," said the inconsolable Wilson while cleaning his edger, "It's just how I'm dealing with it. I need this ordeal to end. I need to move on. I need closure."

LeBron James is scheduled to make his decision tonight at 8:00 pm eastern on ESPN. Perhaps then our nation can begin the healing process.

NFL may run games Sunday through Saturday, but that’s it

THE WIRE - NFL officials have stated that they will continue to schedule games Sunday and Monday night. Also, there will be a Tuesday night AFC game for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and whoever they may be playing, as well as a Wednesday night NFC match up subject to the flex scheduling policy already in existence.

Thursday night games will also become regular issue (not just Thanksgiving and other random Thursdays that have been historically unpredictable and led many men to say "What? There was a game on tonight?! And I was watching Dancing With the Stars?!"). Friday night games will be aired to outdo the high school market and Saturday games will air weekly on Lifetime to the make hay of that untapped market.

But that's it.