Birds’ Vick claims he has no concussion, just a recurring “Case of the Mondays”

Philadelphia – After a devastating last minute loss to the Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick admitted to a Philadelphia press corps that while he has suffered several concussive injuries in the past, this time he truly has a "Case of the Mondays.”
    Several players on the team, after hearing of his complaint, summarily kicked his ass into next weekend.

    Some have speculated that he has suffered a minor bout of depression upon hearing that Denzel Washington wouldn't be playing him in the much anticipated biopic. 

    “The condition is typically a passing one,” says medical correspondent Sanjay Gupta, “But it has become predictably chronic. Except of course, when he plays on Monday night. In which case his physician should probably prescribe medication for a "Case of the Tuesdays.”

Kobayashi sprains left incisor, out for Pizza Hut Stuffed-Crust competition

Coney Island - Nearly a year after being charged with trespassing and obstructing governmental administration at the Nathan’s eating contest, the professional Japanese gorger sustained a serious dental injury.

The IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) considers this category of injury the “concussion” of the sport. “We’re just not doing enough about it,” says competition official John Liplicker, “it’s getting brutal out there.”

“This is one of those serious injuries that could be a career ender,” said IFOCE chairman Rex Wendelmen, “I mean look what happened to Tim Janus at the Land-o-Lakes butter competition.” When asked how eating butter could have caused a dental injury Wendelmen responded, “Well, you're supposed to wait until it melts first.”

Kobayashi's injury prevents him from biting slightly to the front and left, a major strategy for competitive eaters to temporarily pouch foods while chewing more and thus not obstructing the esophagus or backing up the digestive system. The move is called the “Couch the Pouch.”

MLB Capsule: Chipper complains of ankle pain, says he never really liked baseball anyway

 

Braves way behind, Chipper requests to be placed on DL

Atlanta - The Braves have toyed around with giving the Phils a run for their money for the last two months. But now, still 8.5 games out, old Chipper wants to take his ball and go home.

The aging infielder complained of a slight irritation in what he called “the ankle area”. He went on, “it feels like a little chafing, you see it there?” he asked teammates. “I just don’t feel right about this. I look hideous.” He went on to say how stupid baseball is and that he wanted to be placed on the DL as soon as possible.

Team doctors okayed him for play, but Jones wanted a second opinion.

Seattle Mariners accidentally win two in a row

Safeco Field - By sheer chance, the struggling Mariners feel like they tripped over a stack of twenties. For the first time since 1926, they won two consecutive games. In a row.

“We didn’t mean to, we just stopped paying attention and two wins snuck up on us," said skipper Eric Wedge, "surprised the hell out of me.”

Entire Houston Astros franchise sent down to minors

Houston - The entire Astros organization, including owners, managers, players, field crew, front office personnel, and the fans themselves will be heading to Triple-A to share a field with the Tacoma Rainiers.

Commissioner Selig will figure out a way to work them into the year’s remaining schedule.

Scheduled opponents in the major will be awarded a forfeited win and get some time off.

Since their darling Hunter Pence left town for Philly they’ve only won 3 games, and only then accidentally.