DuPont Gets Contract, NFL to Encase QBs in Protective Nano-Bubble

NFL Headquarters, NYC – Every year there’s a new rule to protect the quarterback and now after Clay Matthews unconscionably had the gall to play defense and sack Redskins QB Alex Smith like he was a quarterback or something, NFL franchises will have the opportunity to increase the shelf life of their franchise quarterbacks.

In a double-blind survey commissioned by the NFL Players Association, 95.5% of NFL quarterbacks complained: “the hits are too hard,” or “I want to play until I’m 52,” or “my uniform needs constant mending by the team seamstress,” or “the pressure from linebackers and cornerbacks, well, frankly how am I supposed to do my job if I keep getting pressure from the other team?”

The “Nano-Bubble”, engineered by physicists and engineers at the Army Corps of Engineers and Dupont, employs nanotechnology to shield the quarterback from hits exceeding 20 Newtons of force or 16 PSI, roughly atmospheric pressure. Anything under this “force threshold” such as a handshake from a congratulating opponent, a botched snap, or glaring lights from the scoreboard is repelled. Officials from the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton are encouraging players interested in the Nano-Bubble to stay at home and play Madden 19 on their game consoles.

This new technology should not be confused with bubble-wrap, which was tried by Boomer Esiason and Vinny Testeverde.

Quarterback coaches and agents are hoping that someday they can avoid all physical contact at every position. 

“Can you believe it!”- FCC Censors Al Michaels for Difficult Words

Sharky Johnson,

GFL Sports Analyst

Washington, D.C. - Veteran NBC play-by-play commentator Al Michaels faces censorship from the FCC. After deftly calling the Giants/Cowboys divisional bout Monday night, they had had enough.
    According to the FCC, that august group of moral superiority, Al Michaels has been at it for too long as the "thesaurus" of sports.
    "Stick to 'Can You Believe It!', Al," says the FCC. "No more ten dollars words like predilection, tenable, propicious, or irretractable," they said. No one understands you, Al. During this Monday's contest, he was recorded as saying ‘prodigious’, ‘disconsolate’ and ‘plenary’." Censors allowed it through, apparently unaware at the time of this wanton egregiousness.
    All broadcasts will be further delayed by an additional 24 seconds for real-time adjustment during live games so that FCC officials can find simpler, more accessible words for the American public from their Roget’s Reverse Thesaurus, published by the Random House subdivision People for Parity In An Intellectually Challenged Society. This bible of major network television studios has been used on the set of PBS Newshour, BBC News, and Carl Sagan's Cosmos.
    "Our job," says NBC and the FCC, "Is to ensure that people are not jarred or otherwise confounded by difficult and challenging language that they haven't seen since the SATs."
    All of the words will be replaced with simpler three to six letter words more readily digestible for an already dwindling American intelligence.
    GFL reached out to Chris Collingsworth for comment, but have not heard back. It was a welcomed non-response.
    "I am disheartened and crestfallen," tweeted Michaels from Sioux City, Iowa while covering an amateur in-line hockey league, "This is a thoroughgoing and unexpurgated shock to me. But I will capitulate to anything that this saturnalian, ignoble, and profligate network requests. Because I’m Al Michaels. And I get along with everybody."
    Both the FCC and NBC were appreciative of Michaels's warm comments.

BREAKING - Commissioner Wins Week 1, Reds "Red Dog" Grayson Tapped To Head Investigation

MORRISTOWN, NJ - It seems like it happens almost annually. Not only that, but almost every year. The Trefill team has won week 1. Despite full disclosure by Trefill, Reds Grayson has already begun an audit into the win/loss tally and questions the validity and timing of the mogul's first-week entry. Trefill has stated he will answer any questions, notwithstanding an un-named member of his legal team bewailing, "Oh, for God's sake, we can't have him answering questions," reminding us of Trefill's penchant for lying and creating fictitious narratives according to his ever-changing whim. 

"False, false, false lies, not just regular lies, but false lies," belly-ached Trefill in an impromptu Q and A with the press on his way to his golf course in Florence, NJ. "I have done more for this pool than anyone else before me, you would all be nothing without me, I am the greatest...I mean just look at the pot - it's the most it's ever been, folks. Everybody's winning," he cried, his arms flagellating, his flaming red hair blowing in the gusting winds that comes ahead of this weekend's storm. "Florence, NJ, brace yourself," he stated, " Hurricane Florence is coming."

The Red Dog Investigation is like to be a protracted investigation that will mar the GFL trademark. More developments after Week 2 concludes...